Grandview, Mo. February 13, 1912
Dear Bessie:
Since this is your birthday and tomorrow is St. Valentines's and I have neither a present nor a valentine to send you, I shall try and make some amends by sending you a very ordinary letter. Which all sounds very stilted and set just as if it was copied from some ancient work on how to write letters. Doesn't it? Well, anyhow (with emphasis on the how) I wanted to send you something but hadn't brains enough to think of anything decent enough that would properly fit my present assets. So I thought I would get nothing and just tell you about it. That probably won't do you any good but then a good intention ought to count for something even if Pluto does pave his front yard with them.
Would it be the proper thing, do you think, for me to buy some Pink Lady tickets for you and your San Antonio friend for some day next week? If you think so, I would be most happy to do it. I told Mary this morning that Aunt Ella is expecting her to stay all night at Independence Friday, and now I shall have to call up my dear Aunt and tell her Mary is coming down Friday evening. When they come together they'll compare notes and consign me to the Ananias Club, I guess. Anyway Mary jumped at the chance to go to Aunt Ella's, saying she was mighty glad she was asked because she hadn't made up her mind where to stay. Aunt Ella is always glad to have us come down there, so there is no harm done and I won't have to stand an unmerciful grilling from now until Friday just because I want Mary to go to Independence with you. Mary doesn't know yet that we are to be present at the recital. She has already wanted to borrow my glasses, and I am going to be very generous and lend them to her so I won't have to make my pockets sag with them all day. I fear this letter makes me appear as a very sordid and unscrupulous person-but in some cases, you know, the end justifies the means. Miss Maggie would be terribly shocked if she knew I had any slick Jesuit beliefs in my system. She did her very level best to impress us with the fact that the end never justified the means if a person had to overstep the ten great laws to obtain his end.
I think most people are like the man I read of the other day who was waiting to see a friend and picked up a Bible. It fell open at the twentieth chapter of Exodus and he just read the commandments while he waited. When he got through he thought awhile and then said, "Well, I've never killed anybody anyway." I heard a man tell another one on the train last night, that he would have stolen a Bible if he could have gotten it to go into his pocket. Then he went on to describe what a fine one it was with a red leather back and fine wood engravings. Said he wanted it most awful bad but the owner watched him so closely he couldn't get away with it. Now, I think a man ought to draw the line at stealing a Bible. Of course, I suppose it is no worse to steal one than it is to steal any other book or piece of furniture, but it sounds rather sacrilegious, to say the least. I am sure that if I were in the stealing business, I'd be rather superstitious about stealing one.
Say, it sure is a grand thing that I have a high-school dictionary handy. I even had to look on the back to see how to spell the book itself. The English language so far as spelling goes was created by Satan I am sure. It makes no difference how well educated or how many letters a man can string to the back of his name, he never learns to spell so he is exactly sure i shouldn't be e or a, o. I can honestly say I admire Roosevelt for his efforts to make people spell what they say. He really ought to begin on his own name though.
Tell Frank that so far as I have sounded, which is only very little, Mize has the bilge on Chrisman, and Gentry is not so well thought of as formerly. I am sure that George would make a good race in this township because he has a great many personal friends around here.
The heavenly geese are certainly shedding feathers around this neighborhood this morning. About two inches of them have fallen already. I guess old man winter is going to stay until March, sure enough. We sure ought to produce a crop out of all proportion to former ones if hard winters count for much! All the oldest inhabitants say they do.
I didn't get any breakfast this morning but I told Mamma I didn't want any because I had some most awful good waffles at about 100:00 P.M. They sure were good.
This is one bum epistle (emphasis on the bum) and I have no excuse to offer for I am doing my level best. As the country newspapers say, news in our burg is on the run and I can't catch up.
Anyway, I hope you'll live a thousand years if you want to and never get a day older than you are.
I shall call you up on Friday as soon as I can get to a phone and you can decide if I shall come for you or not. It seems as if I should since I shall desert before Mr. DePachmann gets done throwing fits. He is going to play Mendelssohn's "Spinning Song" and Chopin's great Ab waltz.
Please, I think you owe me a letter even if this concoction is a substitute for something else.
Sincerely, Harry